I am Not

Published February 29, 2012 by atirahjewel

I can’t breathe,

Or think,

My hands can’t move across the paper,

What to say,

What to rhyme,

Anger pulsing through me,

Not just anger,

Frustration,

Sadness,

I feel homicidal towards my computer screen,

Racking my brain everyday for it,

For what,

Something no one will read?

Always surrounded by voices,

Laughter,

I don’t know what to write,

When I get started,

I can never continue my roll,

It makes me want to scream,

To yell and shout at the top of my lungs,

I HATE the click-clack of the keyboard,

Lightning fast,

Then slowing its pace,

I write the same words,

Over and over,

Maybe I should just let this blog starve.

Maybe I will,

Let it die,

I accomplish nothing with it,

I still sit for hours on end just writing one verse,

For five days in a row trying to finish a sentence,

I can only finish writing that have no meaning anymore,

That are no longer backed up by a story,

Who am I trying to satisfy?

I look and see,

All of the greatest poets and lyricists and writers,

I am nothing like them,

I cannot not speak like them,

I can’t reach out and touch people like they can,

I challenge myself everyday,

Sometimes I may even receive undeserving praise,

It takes everything inside of me to not quit,

To not think of an amazing piece of writing I recently read,

When I get ideas,

I am busy with something else,

And when I finally get the chance to write it down,

I lose the whole purpose and it takes the wrong turn,

Down the road that leads me back to despair.

Then I get people,

Who tell me how to write,

Who give me friendly ‘suggestions’ as if they are so great,

What punctuation to use,

What words to use,

When their grammar is no good,

When they use the wrong words all the time,

When they misspell every other word,

And they try to speak to me like they are so much higher,

Like they are so much more skilled with words and phrases,

But what do they do,

Even if my poetry is never read,

At least I do something,

At least I share my work,

Good or bad,

Long or short,

And where are they,

Pointing out every little thing that could be improved on my LESSER poems.

I just need time,

Time to think,

To write,

To be,

I need to clear my train of thought,

Or I will surely lose my mind,

Although I get angry,

I always end the day with satisfaction,

I always end the poem with satisfaction,

My frustration turns into happiness in the snap of my fingers,

Finally I am done for today,

Like I am now,

Happy,

Finally happy.

Copyright © 2012 by

Atirah Jewel

5 comments on “I am Not

  • I feel your frustration, Atirah, in the words of your poem. I am sure you know that many, many, many poets and writers through the ages had all the emotions you expressed – well, except for staring at a computer screen. They stared at paper or parchment instead. Don’t let it get to you, my dear. You are talented. And poets are, well, they must be poets. They have no choice in the matter. If you love poetry, and writing poetry, you are a poet. And that probably will never change. I write poetry from time to time – less now than I used to. But just suffer the rudeness of other people who want to tell you how to write, give you their little “tips” and pointers on what you should do – you’ll always have those doofuses, until you’re published someday. But for now, keep honing your skills, sit and try to get just the right phrase even though it takes hours, or maybe days – you’re doing the work you need to do. Other people don’t matter in this. Have you put the link to your blog on your FB page? Maybe that would get you more readers!
    Many Blessings,
    Diane

    • Thank you Diane!🙂 I don’t really mind if I don’t have many readers and I try not to let it bug me when people try to suggest things to me. Your words have put a smile on my face, thank you for sharing your wisdom.

      AtirahJewel

      • You are really talented! Your words, yes, your words can make me feel what is being said. It means a lot to me and your readers. I love that you love to write and you do so with Pride. Not for the glory but for your voice, your emotions to be heard. You have such great energetic determination when you write in such long periods of thought. I love how you like to think deep thoughts. It’s just one of the beautiful aspects of your body and spirit.

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